Christmas Letters: Gag Me With A Spoon

You know those syrupy, sappy, pretentious and puffy Christmas letters you receive from family members and friends every year? Well, I despise them. They make me make me wonder what really went on in 2005. So, I thought I would compose a Christmas letter of my own, to share with those of you who care to read it. If you don’t care to read it, read it anyway, you may be able to relate. Dear Family and Friends, What can I say about 2005? At age 62 I was a reading teacher in a new charter school servicing 222 children, not a good age to be working with coddled, illiterate pre-adolescents. My homicidal tendencies went into overdrive. Now, I know why some animals eat their young. A teacher employed by a start-up charter school makes enough money to feed a gnat, so I started working for my daughter, Teri, who is a drug pusher in Miami. She is very successful…makes a lot of money and drives a corvette. My son John is a john and works in the public school system in Florida. He loves young children and is a good friend of Michael Jackson. My daughter Wendy is a religious fanatic and joined Osama Bin Laden’s fundamentalist army. My three grandchildren Ivey, Zane, and Willow went with her. I bought them camouflage fatigues for Christmas. We’re not sure where my son-in-law Hugh is. My husband Tom hasn’t worked in four years and is enjoying the benefits of Tylenol with codeine on his psyche. We are about to lose our home and farm but that’s okay, because it’ll be a real challenge to find an apartment that takes a cat and two horses…and I love challenges. As for me, I was thrown from one of my horses and have a head concussion. But it’s fun seeing two of everything especially when it’s a box of chocolates. I saw a bluebird setting on our fencepost. Bluebirds bring good luck. Hot dog, maybe 2006 will be my lucky year. Guess not. The only one with luck is Bear cat…he saw the bird too…and had an early Christmas dinner. Next year should bring some real challenges…my cat just ate the bluebird of happiness. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. I can’t wait until I send out my holiday letter. My family will be thrilled…especially my mother…they may never speak to me again. To all of you readers…enjoy the holidays. May the Peace and Joy of the season be with you always.