Keeping It All Together

Hot weather is great for going to the beach. We're having a run of steamy ninety-degree weather in Rochester, NY motivating me to go to the beach almost every day. I bring a good book, cooler of bottled water, chilled fruit, fresh veggies, and my favorite fold-up lawn chair; parking the chair and myself where I can people watch. When it gets too hot I go for a swim in Lake Ontario. After a refreshing dip I dry off, read for a while, and go back to people watching. Most of my observations have sited some interesting beach garb which includes various shapes and sizes that fit into (or out of) bathing suits. Men's bathing suits are fairly simple and usually conservative in color. They wear trunks, jams, or Speedos. In my opinion, generic swim trunks are most flattering on men, with jams being my second choice. No man, no matter how fit they are, should ever wear a Speedo in public. Women's swimwear, on the other hand, is a different story. There is much more variety.  I see bikinis, tankinis, maillots, thongs, sarong-type swimwear, and skirted bathing suits. They come in every color imaginable. Some are solid colors, while others are floral, striped, polka-dotted, and checked. Bikinis and thongs are out for most women unless they are body builders. In order to contain the body parts of the many females I see on the beach, I realize that the bathing suits need some heavy-duty material to keep those parts from going south. On the tag of my new bathing suit it says that the bathing suit manufacturer uses spandex, which is the same rubberized material they put into girdles. I'm sure they do this to keep women's bodies squeezed into one place for long periods of time. Some of these manufacturers are probably related to the Marquis de Sade. Take a look at the word spandex. If you change the letters around a little you have the word expands. There are two reasons bathing suit manufacturers chose the word spandex and continue to use it in their swimsuits. The first reason takes into consideration the thoughtfulness of the manufacturer…it's to oblige weight fluctuation. As I put on weight over the winter, the spandex accommodates my changing shape. I call it my winter expansion program. Bathing suit manufacturers are well aware of the program and market accordingly. Bringing us to reason number two. Manufacturers are well aware that after prolonged use, especially in a chlorine pool, spandex loses its elasticity. It's not pretty after that. Gravity takes over and everything migrates toward the equator. At that point, it's time for a new bathing suit, which is exactly what the bathing suit manufacturer's plan was all along. As I continue to age, my winter expansion program and the laws of gravity make spandex a necessary requirement in my swimsuits. The fact is my bikini days are over, folks. I gracefully accept that fact as I continue to thoroughly enjoy the summer. Yes, it is hot, but the beach is great. I'm reading some excellent books, eating my fresh fruit and veggies, and drinking plenty of water to keep well hydrated. But I have to tell you, I'm getting a special kick out of watching people on the beach trying to keep it all together with spandex. Enjoy the summer!